ELW Software is a web development company in Riverside, Ca.  We have a very nice sign on the front door of our office, and another sign in our window facing Indiana Avenue. We are also listed on the building’s directory occupying suite #208.

We have a problem just about every day with a different bozo coming into our office looking all confused.  It is always the same thing: They come in looking stupid, then wander their way to our inner office and ask if this is a security company.

I think there is a problem with literacy in Riverside, and possibly the entire Inland Empire.  Maybe this stuff has infected the whole state of California, the nation, or even the world! When I go to Jack in The Box for lunch or breakfast, I usually go inside to get my food.  I do this because my power window doesn’t work on the driver door.  I just order the food for carry-out, and probably save gas this way too.  While I am waiting for the food, I wait around out of the way of the people who might want to order.  As I drink my soda and wait for my food, people keep asking me if I have already ordered. Of course I have!  That’s why I already have the soda!  Please, go to the counter and order.  Thank you for your politeness.

What does this story have to do with being a web designer and developer?  More than you might see at first glance actually.  We bought the sign on the door to keep these bums out after I saw one of them handcuffed by the police in our parking lot after I got him to leave our office.  No, I didn’t call the cops on him.  They probably followed him to the building.  I can imagine somebody suggesting that “at least people are coming to your office,” or “idiots need websites too.”

Is all traffic good?  Obviously not, but the whole problem of people walking around like zombies and not noticing anything important should be considered when designing a website!  The pagerank algorithm invented by Google estimates the quality of a website by finding the probability that a person clicking on links randomly will find your site.  It has been widely criticized, but look how good it has worked for Google.  Most people are very much like random-clicking zombies!

Here are some ideas for how a web designer can use this observation:

  1. Leave a Trail of Zombie Candy! Zombies love clicking on interesting zombie-links.  Ever wonder why some blogs have more ads than actual text?  When given the choice between thinking of something new to look at or just clicking something on the page, zombies let you choose for them.
  2. Don’t “Sell” to Zombies! Zombies don’t want what you are selling, but they do have money.  Zombies wander, and it is hard to get rid of them too.  If you have a site with tons of visitors, and none of them buy things, you are a winner!  Don’t forget that it is just as hard to get all the answers wrong on a true/false test.  Why not try putting pay-per-click ads on your site that have nothing to do with what you are selling?  Why is Google so obsessed with making adsense ads relevant?  It is a buyer-side bias, since the advertisers will pay more for clicks by interested people.  Zombies aren’t “interested people.”
  3. Zombies can’t read! Web designers take notes: Zombies like pictures!  Zombies like porn, ring tones, celebrity gossip, and shiny things.
  4. Zombies look for security! Zombies walk into software companies, past the signs, even after they themselves believe they are in the wrong place.  Telling them they are in the wrong place doesn’t work; they keep coming.  From now on when I see a zombie looking for security, I’ll greet them as though I’ve been waiting forever.  Thank god you are here, I need you to buy this shiny thing or the world will come to an end.

Yes, future articles will include instructions on web design for vampires.  Be a patient zombie.